Dear Obama: Eat a Cheeseburger


Dear Mr. President:

I think it’s awesome that you have come out openly in favor of the Islamic center in downtown New York City and that you held a dinner honoring the first night of Ramadan.

But if you want to head off the resurgence of “Obama is a Muslim” BS that will necessarily come from these public displays of tolerance, you have got to do the following:

Schedule a daytime lunch outside the White House. Don’t announce it, don’t make a big to-do, just carve out some time for you and some food. Walk if you can, it’s good for you. Go for fast food, the greasier the better. President Clinton liked the McDonalds on 17th, but I recommend the Burger King at K and 16th. (There are also innumerable greasy spoons tucked away in the office buildings around the area, but the security would be a nightmare.) Choose on the spot, so they don’t know that you’re coming. Order a small bacon cheeseburger. “Have it your way”, but the bacon is the most important part. Fries are optional.

Now take your deliciousness out to Farragut Square. I think there’s a Rolex store around there somewhere with a big clock in the window. Stand in front of that window (also close to the Farragut North Metro Station) in broad daylight, with the clock behind you (and maybe a copy of today’s Washington Times just to be safe), and you eat the hell out of that cheeseburger. Pull off a strip of bacon and eat it with your fingers, then lick them like there aren’t a million people watching. Give a big thumbs up to the crowd as the latest Metro train unloads. If the press show up or anyone asks for comment, tell them it’s important to eat well, but once in a while you just need a fast food fix.

Not only will it help your standing with the set of Americans who love to bowl to show how much you enjoy the odd cheeseburger (BTW, don’t ever bowl again in public. Nor in private, for that matter. Somehow, I doubt that will be a problem.), it will also serve the health of our nation (without subverting capitalism) to point out that such deliciousness is okay to be enjoyed in moderation.

But the most important part is the bacon. Eating in the daylight (and eating bacon no less!) will be a gentle message to reg’lar Americans that just because you’re down with respecting the faith of Muslims in America and across the globe, it doesn’t mean you yourself pray to the east. You can talk until you’re blue in the face about extremists perverting the Koran and Islam being a religion of peace and people will be skeptical because most people don’t know much about Islam.

But anyone who knows anything knows that Muslims do not eat pork and they do not eat in the daytime during Ramadan, their holiest month.

Should anyone try to question the display, just point out that, clearly, they don’t know anything.


  1. Dude, of course Obama is not a Muslim, he’s a martian, as revealed here:

    • We welcome all comments here, even the ones that don’t make any damn sense. FYI, reader(s), the creepy mysterious link appears to just go to sasoc.wordpress.com, which is already provided in the link at the commenter’s name. I make no guarantees as to what you will find there, however.

      • There is no mystery, no secrets. The link is to the 9th installment of the Obama Martian Chronicles, an ongoing series of training tapes that have been revealed.

  2. There is mystery in weblinks that are gibberish.

    So is your alien conspiracy theory the same as the one that Bush and Cheney are lizard people who would never relinquish power? Or would that be evil and divisive, like confusing Star Wars and Star Trek?

    • Bush’s actions never required a conspiracy theory: he was a silver-spoon guy interested in helping his buddies in big oil (mostly), but then was called on to do something greater by the 9/11 attacks. He rose to that challenge, while failing on a few others. Pretty standard stuff.

      Cheney’s actions were those of an obvious patriot who advocated aggressive actions against our enemies. I realize that guys who aren’t afraid to use power to advance US interests seem really weird in today’s impotent age, but they shouldn’t be. What would you have said after Harry dropped not one, but two atomic bombs on civilian Japan?

      The reason Obama is likely from an alien planet sent here to do dirty deeds is because (1) his origins are suspect; (2) he hates the USA and its heritage with such passion; (3) he is especially aloof about American tragedies; (4) he bows to foreign powers, a symbolic act of submission and an overt act of betrayal of his office.

      • I do question whether “US power” has to equate to “US military power”. One of the most impressive aspects of our participation in WWII (You know, the “just war”) was that the entire country came together to create the necessary industry in just a few months. We didn’t have the largest arsenal on the planet ready for Hitler to come a-knockin’, we had some plans, some contingencies, and pulled it together once we were absolutely sure it would be necessary.

        That’s not a matter of sustaining the idle military industrial complex for decades, it’s a matter of American ingenuity and unity. To me, those are power. Maybe our military wouldn’t be so inefficient if we weren’t constantly preparing for the next big threat when we’re already spending as much on arms as the rest of the world combined.

        I’m not here to debate history that happened long before I was born. I wasn’t there, I can’t know what it was like, and what’s done is done.

        But tomorrow’s history is happening all around us, and I (quixotically, perhaps) believe we can do something about it. I can’t tell whether you’re joking about this Martian nonsense, but what service is this to your country? If you have legitimate beefs about the president’s policies, why don’t you
        a) Read them.
        b) Teach people what they do and do not contain.
        c) Tell people what you don’t like about the former rather than filling in the blanks of the latter.

        Oppositional politics have been dehumanizing presidents for most of my life. I wonder what it would be like if we actually let them, you know, preside, and then expressed our, you know, educated responses.

    • I would just like to say bravo to the “lizard people” reference, and say that now I hope I see Obama eating a bacon cheezeburger. The article was worth the read & I’m glad I found my way back to your site again.

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